A Joker's Merriest Christmas
by TamyG
Summary: The Joker had a perfect plan laid out for the vigilante on Christmas Eve. But what happens when the Batman gets sick, endangering the clown's fun? ... Characters: The Joker, Bruce Wayne, and the Bat-Family. No pairings.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

"Heey, Bats! _Yohooooo_~" The clown in a white jumpsuit called out from behind the thick, transparent glass as the Dark Knight walked by, dragging the Mad Hatter behind him. "Welcome back, Jervy! Oh dear me! Is it _tea time_ already?"

The Ace of Knives' hysterical laughs echoed throughout the highest-level ward of Arkham Ayslum, gaining a roar of angry hushes from the inmates.

"Ooow _zip_ it, you morons!" The Joker shouted back at the hushes.

As soon as the clown noticed the Batman's return, he began knocking at the glass to grab the vigilante's attention before he leaves.

"Bats, darling, listen!" The Joker cried out as he waved in excitement, "I've planned out the _loveliest_ evening for us on Christmas Eve! But it's a surprise 'cuz I know you love surprises as much as I do! So no _peekies_, and wait for your BFF by-"

**ACHOO!**

_*Sniffs*_

Were all the reactions that the Joker got that evening from the Batman.

xXxXxXxXx

"Batsy was rather _cold_." The Joker pouted with his face supported by his palm, while he played with his lunch absentmindedly.

"Not colder than the usual, I would say." The Riddler remarked nonchalantly, "And would you stop playing with your food. It's rather unsightly!"

"He didn't _growl_, or _brood_! Or even _frown_ at his bestest of friends! His _one_ and only friend actually! Poor ol' me..." Joker sighed in extreme exaggeration, ignoring the Riddler's request. "To think that I had it all planned out. Tailored to suit my Dork Knight's _exquisite_ taste. And with no self merits, but to fill Gotham with my dearest friend's laugh on its holiest night."

"Or you can just say..." Mad hatter suddenly interjected but hesitated, "He's catching a cold?"

"Jervy, oh, lil' Jervy." Joker sighed as he placed a hand over Mad Hatter's shoulder, while shaking his head sideways in disapproval, "Leave the jokes for the big shots, for example but exclusively, _moi_, would ya? That wasn't even funny you know."

"It's not a joke! I'm quite serious!" Mad Hatter scowled, "I think I've infected the Batman."

The Joker pushed aside his lunch tray and frowned, "You think you-"

**ACHOO!**

"For heaven's sake, Jevris!" Edward exclaimed in disgust, "Cover your mouth before you sneeze!"

"_God bless_ you, Jevry." The Joker remarked darkly as he patted the back of the sneezing man. "So." The clown wrapped an arm around Mad Hatter, and stared at him with the creepiest smile as he calmly continued, "You were about to tell me how you single handedly _ruined_ my perfectly planned date with my Batsy?"

"Ehm." The Riddler cleared his throat politely. He dabbed the corner of his lips with a handkerchief before rising from his seat, completely ignoring Mad Hatter's pleading eyes, "I think I will be excusing my self."

And in a blink of an eye, the Riddler disappeared leaving behind him an unnaturally calm clown, and a squirming little man.

xXxXxXxXx

"Gee, Mista' J. Seems the Bats has taken' a real toll on poo' Je'vy." Harley Quinn slipped into the Joker's cell while looking behind her, "I went to say hi, you know me being all welcomy and big hearted, but the lil' man started screamin' and stuff. What a loony."

"Pumpkin, daddy needs to take a _sick leave_." The Joker patted his sidekick's head absently, obviously not hearing a word she had just said, "It seems that there are some urgent _preparations_ he needs to attend to."

"But, Mista' J, can't I come along with ya?" Harley pouted as she tugged at the Joker's suit childishly.

"Oh, baby. I have a _special_ mission for you!" the Joker grinned, "And I know my Harl would _never_ disappoint me, right?"

"Of course not!" Harley beamed at the word 'special'.

"Make sure that the little midget never ever dares to catch a cold ever again." The Joker instructed as he pinched Harley's check.

"O'kay?" Harley replied hesitantly, while rubbing her soaring cheek. She had no idea on where to even start to comply with such a request, but she didn't want to disappoint her puddin'.

"I knew I could count on ya, Pumpkin!" the Joker waved behind him as he climbed through the ventilation system.

"Oh well. I could always ask Red for a clue or two." Harley mumbled as she scratched the nap of her neck, and headed to her cell.

Meanwhile, as the Joker crawled through the vents, he grinned to himself, "Don't worry Batsycakes, Dr. J is on his way to make all your _boo-boos_ go away."

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**A/N: Reviews are highly appreciated, loved and cherished *hearts***


	2. Honey I'm Home

"Alfred! For the thousand time, I'm okay!" Bruce protested as he tried to leave his bed.

The billionaire honestly can't remember the last time he got sick, but all he knew was that he hated it. Sickness was weakness, and he despised that feeling the most. Yet what annoyed him even more was that it felt like he had lost to the Mad Hatter. And the fact the he was pretty much sure that the psychopath was not really planning on infecting him, made it even worse. It made him feel stupid.

"No, Sir, your not! Your temperature is almost a hundred and four degrees." Alfred scowled as he pushed the larger man back to his bed, "And if I may be blunt, how can an old man, such as I, force a _healthy_ man back to his bed if he was 'O-kay'?"

"Fine. You've got a point." Bruce sighed grimly through labored breaths, admitting defeat.

"Well, I guess I would take that as a compliment, then." The old butler remarked with a quirk of an eyebrow.

"You do that." Bruce frowned juvenilely, crossing his arms against his chest.

"Now, now. There is no need to pout, Master Bruce." Alfred smirked triumphantly.

"You are clearly enjoying this, aren't you?" Bruce smirked back, relishing in the old man's fondness.

"Sir! That is simply an awful thing to say." Alfred exclaimed, slightly surprise on how well Bruce understood him.

"Is it now?" Bruce chuckled at the old man's shocked expression.

As much as the butler hated the circumstances that led to such a situation, he could never completely deny that he was enjoying it. To the old man, passing a unique chance of pampering his master would be an utter shame. Which ultimately meant that Bruce was right, he was the great detective after all.

"Ehm. Well then. I think it is about time to prepare dinner." Alfred stated as he took a quick peek at the clock, "Both Master Drake and Master Damian would be back shortly. And Master Grayson might join us as well."

"You didn't have to tell Dick." Bruce sighed. As much as he loved having his family under one roof, he didn't want to worry them with his health.

"You must focus on your self right now." Alfred argued, "The boys are old enough-"

"Honeeeeeeeeeeey~ I'm home!" An all-familiar voice echoed through the Wayne manor.

"You know, Alfred. I think you are absolutely right." Bruce mumbled, while pinching the bridge of his nose, "I can almost swear that I heard-"

"The Joker's voice?" Alfred finished Bruce's sentence, as the color of his face seemed to be seeping away.

"That's not funny." Bruce scowled.

"No, Sir, it is not. I would never make such a tasteless joke." Alfred retorted, but was still in shock, "Maybe I caught whatever is causing your fever. I'm most definitely hallucinating. Why else would we be both hearing the madman's voice?"

"Man this place is just huge! Over-compensating much, huh, Brucie?" The Joker voice echoed once again before turning into a menacing laughter.

"Most definitely a hallucination." Alfred insisted, "I think I should check my temperature."

"Alfred! Gather yourself, this not like you!" Bruce scolded, "I don't know what brought the Joker here, but you have to hide. Right away! I will deal with him."

"No, Master Bruce. I am most definitely not leaving you behind with this madman." Alfred retorted stubbornly, "Especially when your are in a rather unfavorable situation."

The butler was right, and his master couldn't argue with him anymore. Even though he was pretty energetic for a person with a hundred and four degree temperature earlier, but right now he felt like it was all oozing away. The shock of hearing the Joker's voice in his manor, in Bruce Wayne's manor, was making him light-headed.

"Dare I say that I prefer it when he laughs over this unnerving silence." Alfred remarked at the sudden quietness, and Bruce couldn't agree more.

"Oh, Jeeves, stop flattering me!" The Joker voice promptly squealed from behind the door, causing poor Alfred to jolt.

Consequently, the door was swung open, and the Joker, in his full purple glory, stepped in with wide-open arms following it by a dramatic bow.

"I might be sick, but I don't recall asking for a house-call clown." Bruce managed to mock before the Joker was able to rise from his bow, hoping to catch all of his attention, and distract him from Alfred.

The Joker slowly rose up, with his acidic, green eyes focusing on the bedridden billionaire. He blinked a few times before falling into another fit of laughter.

"I take back what I said earlier." Alfred scoffed with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh, Brucie. That was a good one!" The Joker remarked while wiping a tear away, "But I come here as a house-call vet 'cuz I've heard that a bat of mine is in need of my expertise!"

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**A/N: Hope to see your reviews!**


	3. Teletubbies

_Vet? Bat? Aah... I think Alfred might be right. I'm hallucinating, aren't I? Speaking of Alfred... where is he...? Why is it getting dark in here? Where - ..._

xXxXxXxXx

"Alfred...?" Bruce called out in a gruff voice. The billionaire was still sleepy, his head was spinning and he couldn't bring himself into focus. But he was at least able to deduct that he was lying on his own bed.

As he heard footsteps approaching him, he mumbled with his eyes still closed, "Alfred, is that you? I had the craziest dream."

"Oh goodie! I love crazy dreams! " A voice - not so Alfred like - exclaimed cheerfully.

"Alfred...?" Bruce stressed in denial, and _choosing_ not to open his eyes, "I think you are right. You might be catching whatever I'm having, because your voice sounds rather funny... Or am I still dreaming?"

"Oh, Brucie. Who knew sickness would bring out the _Me_ in you! _Heh heh heee_!" The voice chuckled.

"No..." Bruce mumbled as he felt reality hitting him right in the gut.

_Why couldn't all of this be just a stupid nightmare?_ Bruce thought grimly.

He slowly fluttered his heavy eyelids, and sleepy, blue orbs dared to peek. However, before they could even adjust, a pair of green ones stared right back and into their owner's soul.

Bruce jolted at the sudden proximity; he could feel the clown's warm breath against his dry lips.

"This is _precious_!" The Joker laughed at the billionaire's reaction, "The rich playboy acting in such _prudery_. Just precious! _Hah ha ha oho heh heh heeeeeee!_"

The clown was on the floor with hands clutched around his abdomen, laughing out loud at the, now, widely awake and embarrassed billionaire.

"_Aaaaaaah_~ " The Joker exhaled after laughing for a good couple of minutes. He then stood up, and as he patted his clothes to straighten out the wrinkles, he looked at Bruce with his signature grin, "But perfectly expected from my _Batsy_."

_So he does know!_ Bruce thought with an inward sigh.

"Why so gloomy? Not that your _pretty_ face can show any other emotion." The Joker spoke as he thoughtfully strode around the spacious room, and then he spun around to look at Bruce and grinned, "But it's _twice_ and a _thousand times_ better than your daytime _boring_ façade with it's fakey-tacky-smile! _Oho ho ho ho_!"

"How long?" Bruce asked wearily, ignoring the Joker's rumbling.

The Joker stood still, and let out an exaggerated sigh, "As usual, straight to business. _In sickness and in health – hmmmm - _someone is taking their _vows_ too strictly. Oh, what do I know? _Heh hee heeee_!"

"Joker…" Bruce tried to sound demanding, but his voice came out rather low and weak, and it made him blush at how stupid he sounded.

"Now, now, _sweetums_." The Joker chimed as he walked toward the bed, "As much as I enjoy watching you _threatening_ me with that _cute_ voice of yours, I would rather have you _punching_ and _kicking_ in that flying-rat costume of yours. _Pronto_. I don't want us to miss our long-waited Christmas _date_. You know, I've been planning for this for so many months and, if I may say, you weren't any _help_. I might _blow up_ a couple of buildings or _thrice_, if you miss it for a _measly_ cold, which you've – _pardon_ the language - _stupidly_ caught from that wacko midget. Seriously Bats, a _cold_?"

Bruce couldn't find a single word to counter that. His insides were boiling, both literary and physically, and he didn't need his nemesis to remind him of his failure and add fuel to his already burning up self-resentment.

"And don't worry, I won't expose your _facade_. Where's the fun in that? It's a _tasteless_ joke really. Not that I give a ratsass about the mask under the bats, but I _might_ explain the details later. _All in good time_, though" The Joker stated somewhat seriously, but it was replaced as sudden with his usual grin, "For now we need to make you better! And that's why Ol' Uncle J is here!"

Bruce frowned at the clown's enthusiasm, "Where is Alfred? And why-"

"Father, who are you- What the hell?!" Damian's voice suddenly interrupted with a face that seemed like it had seen a ghost. Dick and Tim came in next, and they both had the same exact reaction as soon as their eyes fell upon the Clown Prince of Crime.

"_Hah_! If it isn't Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa and Po!" The Joker snickered, "Guess Dipsy and the little rays of sunshine won't be joining us? _Heh he heheeeee_!"

"Bruce?" Dick looked at his mentor, searching for any forsaken reason that would allow the clown to stand right there, and in Bruce Wayne's manor at that matter.

"Already so _clingy_ I see." The Joker frowned, but instantly grinned darkly, "You three little _tweeties_, listen to me, and listen _carefully_. I expect all of you to stay away from Bruce and stop _dragging_ him down. Sick boy here needs recuperation time. I want him in _full_ health by Christmas Eve. Anything else and I _promise_, plucking your wings would sound like your _sweetest_ memory of your _pathetic_ life."

"And what gives you the damn right you to order us around you frigging clown!" Damian was the first to answer to the Joker's threats.

_Did he just say 'three little __**tweeties**__... __**wings**__…?_ Tim thought as he stood silently, while absorbing what was happing around him. He directed his look to Bruce, searching for a sign. The billionaire looked pretty weary, yet he was able to nod, confirming Tim's speculations.

Dick, however, didn't quite get the hints, but he was experienced enough to know that the Joker would never spout empty threats. And crossing the clown, when he's in one of his dark moods, would definitely result in someone's death.

So the eldest of the boys grabbed the youngest from his shoulder to stop him from causing any more damage, while hoping that the clown would revert back to his _normal_ cheerful mood.

"We won't. We want him to get better as much as you do, Joker." Dick replied as he gently squeezed Damian's shoulder to calm him down.

"As Dick already said. We are just here to help." Tim pressed further to assure the clown, "But why are you here? And where's Alfred?"

"Apparently, he wants to help." The old man's voice came from behind the boys. He was carrying a tray, and on it was placed a bowl of warm, vegetable soup and two slices of toasted breads. He went to place the food next to his Master, and as he did he continued, "And if I may say, he's been doing a rather decent job. He have already, as well, promised to be on his best behavior and look out for the Master needs- "

"_Every_ need." The Joker corrected as he grinned at Bruce, suggestively, "I did read somewhere that a little bit of – _hmmmm_- _exercising - oheh he he heeeee-_ can spring you right back into your best shape!"

At that moment, Bruce felt the spoonful of soup he had just had, sliding down his mouth and taking the wrong pipe. His face turned bright red, and he started coughing violently as he chocked on the hot liquid.

"Mr. Joker!" The butler exclaimed at the clown's obscenity, and what it did to his master. He hurriedly stood next to the sick man and held his back upright to help him regain breath again.

The Joker simply replied by laughing his head off.

"Yah, I can clearly see the _help_ part!" Dick spat sarcastically, while getting into an offensive position as he finally lost his temper.

"I don't see why can't we kick his ass right back to the nut-jobs hole!" Damian happily joined his brother's sudden outburst, "There are three of us and one of him!"

"Not entirely correct." Tim interjected, as he looked down at the, still, laughing clown, "He obviously knows whom we are, so I doubt he has come unprepared. Why else would he come to nurse Bruce? And from your behavior, I bet you already know that, right Alfred?"

"What?!" Both Dick and Damian voices shouted in unison.

"Ehm. Perfectly right, Master Timothy." Alfred coughed politely as he handed the recovering man a cup of water, "To conclude what I was saying earlier. The Joker will be staying here to see to the master's wellbeing, and any kind of objection on that matter is highly… unfavorable."

"Smarty-pants there is right. And, oh Jeeves, I couldn't have said it any better myself." The Joker remarked as soon as he recovered from his laughing fist, "Any objections and all _hell_ will rise. I did a little bit of _tinkering_ on the way here. Why else would I run late to visit my darling Bats?"

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**A/N: Don't forget to review. I swear they have a magical effect! :D**


	4. Fireworks

"What did you do, Joker?" Bruce asked in a weary voice.

"Oh, what do you mean, Bats?" The Joker placed both palms over his cheeks in a overdramatically _shocked_ manner, "Can't a clown visit his _dearest_ _friend_ without having _accusations_ thrown all over him? I demand _justice_!"

"Cut the crap, Clown!" Damian snapped.

"Master Damian, calm down." Alfred urged the young boy as he nudged toward the boy's father, assuring him that Bruce can handle the clown.

"Joker." Bruce stressed, he was feeling like his head was going to explode and the clown wasn't making it any better.

"_Batty_." The Joker replied as he batted his eyes and grinned at the billionaire.

"Fine. You can stay under two condi- "

"And what gave you the impression that you are in a position were you can _bargain_?" The Joker interrupted Bruce with a condescending grin and a dark look.

"I am Batman?" Bruce replied rhetorically.

The Joker's face became blank as he blinked a few times before a snort escaped his lips, which, of course, turned into a loud laughter in a matter of seconds.

"Great…" Bruce sighed as he rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Mr. Joker, I don't think you are serving the purpose of your visit." Alfred scoffed with a quirk of an eyebrow, "Has anyone told you that that laugh of yours is like a bad earworm? Imagine what it would do to a sick man."

"Oh dear –_ehe heeheee haahaaaaaaa_- you two should stop with the _flattery_!" The Joker remarked as he tried to catch his breath. He then gave a theatrical bow, and said, "First of all, thank you, Jeeves, for the _compliment_." The clown then rose into his full height and added with a hinting grin, "Second of all, Bats, oh my dearest naïve Bats, you should try a better line if you want to _score_ this _handsome_ fella."

'_Don't let him get to you. He is just testing your patience_.' Bruce thought as he took in a deep breath to calm his wrecked nerves.

"Bruce, let us handle this." Dick argued with his mentor, "We are more than capa-"

"Sorry for cutting in Dick, but, no, we can't. Not until at least we know what Joker has in store." Tim interjected in a low whisper, he then looked at the Joker and added louder, "What did you mean by _all hell will rise_?"

"_Ugh_, you three birdies are still here?" The Joker pouted, but grinned within seconds, "Just took the honor of handling this year's _fireworks_, for all of Gotham. _Ah_ how _gracious_ of me! In the name of Christmas _spirit, ghost, dwarfs _and_ whatever._ – _Oho hoho_-Anyways, Jeeves is right, Batsy can't heal up with you three _chirping_ constantly around him. By all means, go break a leg or whatever- _Shoo shoo_!"

"Wha-"

"Unless you would prefer an early _display_? I did place some around the manor. You know me, all _generous_ and _christmassy_." The Joker interrupted darkly.

"I'll be fine." Bruce assured the three young men, "Trust me."

"He is _Batman_ after all –_Oho hehehe hahahahahaaaaa_!" The Joker mimicked Bruce and fell into a fit of laughter.

"It's _him_ I don't trust." Dick sighed as he pointed at the laughing clown.

"We will be near if you need us, Bruce." Tim stated hesitantly.

Damian crossed his arm against his chest and frowned, he hated how his father always tried to protect them, and everyone else at that matter, by placing himself in the face of danger. They all did, but for now they had to- _must_- trust him; if anyone could understand the clown even the slightest, it was Batman.

The three young men gave Bruce on last look before heading to their respective rooms.

"So, Mr. Joker, I do hope you would stay true to your word." Alfred stated firmly.

"Sure thing, Jeeves. Why would I risk my _date_? There's a bigger picture here you know." The Joker grinned as he patted the old man's back.

"The name is _Alfred_. And I will try to stay optimistic for now." Alfred replied somewhat annoyed by the unfavorable position they were in.

"To-_MAY_-to, to-_MA_-to. St-_EVE_-nson, J-_EEV-e_s. What's the difference?" The Joker chuckled.

'_Arguing with a madman would just be bad for my health._' Alfred sighed inwardly.

"Master Bruce, if you require anything I will be down stairs." The butler was about to leave when he remembered, "Ah, Mr. Joker, the room beside the master's is already prepared as per your request. And forgive me, Master Bruce, for not taking your permission under the given circumstance."

"It is ok, Alfred. Thank you." Bruce smiled as he saw the old man leaving. His attention directly diverted back to the clown once they were all alone.

"Finally!" The Joker sighed, "Those kids should understand that _Daddy_ and _Mommy_ need some _lone_ time, if you know what I mean – _he heheeeeeee_!"

"Would you stop that!" Bruce growled. Everything about the clown was tenfold annoying today: his grin, his laugh, his obscenity, and even the way he spoke!

"C'mon, Batsycakes. There's no need to be _shy_." The Joker giggled like a teen girl on her prom night.

"And stop calling me that or Batman or anything Batman related. Here I'm Bruce." Bruce pressed, "And would you give me a break, my head is throbbing."

"You people and _names_! _Sheesh_! You should chill out, Bat, or you will give your self a headache." The Joker grinned tauntingly.

If his whole body didn't feel like it had been hit by a train, Bruce would have jumped over the clown and beat the lights out of him. He knew that the Joker was doing this on purpose, just to annoy him.

"Did you come here just to torture me?" Bruce exhaled as he placed an arm over his forehead while slightly covering his eyes as well.

"_He he heee!_ You have to forgive me Bats. _Teasing_ you is so much fun that I keep forgetting my main goal." The Joker chuckled, "I'll stop for the sake of my _brilliant_ plan, cross my heart and _hope_ the birdies _die_. But calling you Batman or any _resemblance_ to this name, _living_ or _dead_ is purely _habitual_. _Oho hehe!"_

_'Can't even get sick without risking all of Gotham getting blown up.'_ Bruce sighed inwardly before his consciousness somehow managed to slip away, even with the clown constant rumbling.

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**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this! "reviews make me write faster" is not a myth, it's totally true! :'D**


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